Disgraceful, cowardly behaviour

Mine, that is. I appalled myself last week with a sustained example of cowardice and meanness to my kind next-door neighbour Joan.

Her mother died, peacefully, at home and surrounded by family. I didn’t know her, don’t really know the family that well, but they’re neighbours, and I know how much Joan loved her mum and how much she’d have been affected by the death.

I know all this, but a) I didn’t know what to do, when or how (the family observes a religion I don’t know); b) the schizoid thing kicked in big style and the dread of her weeping on my shoulder was huge; c) I’d had enough of funerals and grief and responsibility to last a lifetime.

So… I stayed away. I didn’t go over when I heard the news; I didn’t send flowers or take a casserole, or any of the things you’re supposed to do for grieving families.

I didn’t try to find out what the religion expects, demands or forbids.

I didn’t go to the funeral. I didn’t even go to the funeral, where I’d have been one of dozens of mourners, even though I knew I’d be missed by Joan and my absence clocked and remarked on by others.

It took me two days to get myself to go next door. I took flowers and food and was met with great kindness and gratitude. She asked why I didn’t go and see the body, or come to the funeral. I lied through my teeth and said in my church (NB I don’t go to any church) death and funerals are private, for the family and close friends only. She said hadn’t I seen all the mourners coming to the house? No, I said, I was in my study at the back of the house (that was true) and saw and heard nothing (almost true).

She accepted the lie.

Maybe other schizoids will understand. I justify it to myself, but I still feel like a shitty louse.

Have you avoided situations that you find difficult? Please say you have…